Better than 98%: January 2010

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

State of the Union

drinking game!!
A

h, the State of the Union address -- that (mostly) annual stoppage of normal TV so the president can blow some smoke while members of the opposition party sit stern-faced with their arms folded. Most of you probably have trouble remembering the last time the speech was given by someone who could pronounce the word "nuclear" so this year's model may have some novelty for you.

The Ground Rules
Players: In the interest of bi-partisanship, Republicans and Democrats play by the same rules, and independents are the designated drivers. Sorry, you should have made up your minds by now. Democrats will take up a collection to buy all the booze, plus to pay for the booze the Republicans agreed to pay for under Bush, but didn't actually end up paying for. Republicans must complain and bring boxes of tea bags.

Game Play
SOTU: The first time the network's closed-captioning or bottom screen scroll abbreviates the speech to SOTU, all players must sing, Spandau Ballet–style, "SOTU, funny how it seems ..." Anyone who forgets to sing must drink 1 shot.

Greeting Chug: As the president makes his way to the podium, he will inevitably be stopped in his tracks by some douche who thinks it's all about him, and will bogart the prez for an uncomfortably long greeting. All players must chug beer until President Obama disengages.

Phrases: Every drinking game has certain phrases that you have to drink after, but we're in a recession here. To save money, we're not going to make you drink every time the president says, "Fight for the middle class" or "Let me be absolutely clear."

Instead, each team will line up and take turns ad-libbing a kicker for each phrase. For example, if the president says, "Let me be absolutely clear ..."

You say: "... unlike a Mark McGwire urine sample."

President says: "Three-year discretionary spending freeze ..."

You say: "Rock! Freeze! Rock! Get higher, baby, get higher, baby ..."

If you fail punch-up, you drink.

Standing Ovation: Unless the president somehow hits a walk-off home run, he's going to get about 14 standing ovations that he probably doesn't deserve. Again, it's a recession, so when this happens, one team must yell "Sit!" and the other team yells "The f**k!" and then the first team yells "Down!" Mess it up, and you all drink.

"You Lie!": Two parts here. First, anyone who tries to be funny by yelling "You lie!" after the president says something has to drink backwash. It's just a hack move.

Second, there's a good chance someone else will try the stunt, so when somebody heckles Obama, the first guy to pause the DVR and guess the name of the offender gets all the leftover booze.

Story Time: Anyone still conscious by the time the president gets around to introducing the uplifting, heroic guests in the gallery gets to test their response time here. Whenever the president ticks off one of their accomplishments, all players must shout, in unison, "On a BOAT!" Miss, and you all drink.

President: "She cared for hundreds of orphans ..."

You: "On a BOAT!"

President: "... saved up enough money to go to college ..."

You: "On a BOAT!"

President: "... was able to manage a successful boat dealership ..."

You: "On a BOAT!"