I think I like the claymation version better. Need the Bumble.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I love movies
This is just damn scary. Its a cautionary tale for single guys.
To help you out after that, here's a comedy which could do well based on Grandma's Boy ('s?) success. I liked it enough to get the DVD.
I'm laughing so hard right now because of the last 15 seconds. Julie's going to think I'm a little nuts... it is 7:15am.
To help you out after that, here's a comedy which could do well based on Grandma's Boy ('s?) success. I liked it enough to get the DVD.
I'm laughing so hard right now because of the last 15 seconds. Julie's going to think I'm a little nuts... it is 7:15am.
Shut up fool!
"I'm Christopher Walken, and I am an undead warlock...Oh and I play World of Warcraft too."
This clip sez it all by itself. Mr.T is still the man.
But the Shat makes me want to be a shaman.
This clip sez it all by itself. Mr.T is still the man.
But the Shat makes me want to be a shaman.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Mathmatics of Awesomeness
This guy: McG
"Supernatural" (executive producer) (57 episodes, 2005-2008) "Chuck" (executive producer) (8 episodes, 2007) "The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll" (2007) "The O.C." (executive producer) (92 episodes, 2003-2007) "Fastlane" (2002) TV Series (executive producer) (unknown episodes)
Director: Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins (2009) (in production) We Are Marshall (2006) The Offspring Complete Music Video Collection (2005) (V) (videos "Pretty Fly [For a White Guy]" and "Why Don't You Get a Job?") Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003) Cypress Hill: Still Smokin' (2001) (V) ("Throw Your Hands In The Air") Charlie's Angels (2000)
Plus this guy:
Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins (2009) (in production) The Dark Knight (2008) (post-production) .... Bruce Wayne / Batman 3:10 to Yuma (2007) .... Dan Evans The Prestige (2006) .... Alfred Borden Rescue Dawn (2006) .... Lt. Dieter Dengler Batman Begins (2005) (VG) (voice) .... Batman / Bruce Wayne Batman Begins (2005) .... Bruce Wayne / Batman Hauru no ugoku shiro (2004) (voice: English version) .... Howl ... aka Howl's Moving Castle (International: English title) (USA) Maquinista, El (2004) .... Trevor Reznik ... aka The Machinist (International: English title) (USA) Reign of Fire (2002) .... Quinn Abercromby American Psycho (2000) .... Patrick Bateman
equals an unbelievable level of potential awesomeness!
HEY PAUL!
"Supernatural" (executive producer) (57 episodes, 2005-2008) "Chuck" (executive producer) (8 episodes, 2007) "The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll" (2007) "The O.C." (executive producer) (92 episodes, 2003-2007) "Fastlane" (2002) TV Series (executive producer) (unknown episodes)
Director: Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins (2009) (in production) We Are Marshall (2006) The Offspring Complete Music Video Collection (2005) (V) (videos "Pretty Fly [For a White Guy]" and "Why Don't You Get a Job?") Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003) Cypress Hill: Still Smokin' (2001) (V) ("Throw Your Hands In The Air") Charlie's Angels (2000)
Plus this guy:
Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins (2009) (in production) The Dark Knight (2008) (post-production) .... Bruce Wayne / Batman 3:10 to Yuma (2007) .... Dan Evans The Prestige (2006) .... Alfred Borden Rescue Dawn (2006) .... Lt. Dieter Dengler Batman Begins (2005) (VG) (voice) .... Batman / Bruce Wayne Batman Begins (2005) .... Bruce Wayne / Batman Hauru no ugoku shiro (2004) (voice: English version) .... Howl ... aka Howl's Moving Castle (International: English title) (USA) Maquinista, El (2004) .... Trevor Reznik ... aka The Machinist (International: English title) (USA) Reign of Fire (2002) .... Quinn Abercromby American Psycho (2000) .... Patrick Batemanequals an unbelievable level of potential awesomeness!
HEY PAUL!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Thanksgiving
Although a roast turkey is most impressive on the Thanksgiving table, it should be the simplest part of preparing the meal. The basic recipe is to put it in a the oven and wait a few hours. Women do it this way because they need time to prepare the dressing, gravy, pies, and other side dishes, plus straighten the house, round up more chairs, and make sure the kids are clean before company arrives. On the other hand, a man will put in the extra effort to try something new and different in order to show off his culinary skills. Also, to stay the least busy, so he can watch the football game and drink.
Cooking a Turkey the Scientific Way explains (in a throughly geeky manner) the important parts of the cooking process. Once you understand the most important concepts, you can depart from the basic recipe.
You can improve almost any food by wrapping it in bacon. It’s the American way. Bacon-Wrapped Turkey is becoming quite popular. Here’s the recipe, with a video.
Five more manly ways to prepare the bird, after the jump.
Cajun Deep-Fried Turkey has become so popular in the past few years that KFC will cook one for you. But the manly thing to do is fire up the fryer and do it yourself, while trying to not get burned. Here is the recipe, and instructions for deep-frying.
Deep frying is particularly dangerous, because of the size of the cooker and the huge amounts of hot oil needed, not to mention the size of the turkey. Cooking must be done outside. Here is a list of safety precautions, and an impressive video of what could happen.
Beer Can Turkey is a natural extension of the Beer Can Chicken recipe. The bird is propped up on a mostly full can of beer, and cooked so that the liquid from the can moistens and steams the bird from the inside. You will want to measure your cooker vertically before trying this.
A Turducken is a turkey stuffed with a duck that is in turn stuffed with a chicken. This is a very involved and time-consuming recipe, as the birds need to be deboned. The cooking time is around nine hours. But the result is so impressive to guests. Bonus: Use sausage stuffing for a fourth meat. Yes, you can add some bacon if you like.
What could be more manly than Bourbon Turkey? As to the step that says to discard the marinade, don’t be stupid and treat it as a cocktail, since raw poultry may have introduced unsavory microorganisms, despite the alcohol content. You can also inject the whiskey marinade. No, inject it into the turkey! If you’re wondering what kind of bourbon to use, Wild Turkey would be nice.
The most manly turkey of all is the one you bagged in the wild. Wild turkeys are usually older and always leaner than farm turkeys, so recipes recommend that you marinate it, parboil it, or bake it in a cooking bag to keep it as moist as possible. Deep-frying is also recommended. Always remember, you lose manly points if you ask someone else to clean your kill.
If you want to be super manly, shoot a wild turkey, marinate it in whiskey, steam it with beer, stuff it with other animals, wrap it in bacon, and deep-fry it. Even if your manly turkey preparation turns into a disaster, there is a bright side. Your story will become a part of the family’s holiday tradition. Every year, you will hear, “remember that time you tried to cook the turkey and…”
You never leave home
Ever have a dream about a place that you haven't been to in quite some time. Like an old job, school or house. I just had a weird dream that took place in my old house where I lived until I left for college. I didn't spend much time there during college and my parents sold it a few years later. I didn't even visit one last time when they were moving everything out. That was like 12-13 years ago, but it seems like the layout of the house in my dream had got it mostly right. I guess being in one place for so long gets it stuck in your head a little bit. I wish we could have done this to the house.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Take a nap
Everyone has had this happen at some point in their adult working life. Maybe you didn't get enough sleep the previous night, maybe you had a huge pasta lunch o rmaybe you're hungover or (currently drunk!)
Your chair behind the desk is comfy, its quiet in the office, so you put your head down for awhile to rest your eyes. Just in case somebody walks in, like the boss, they have radar for these things. Here are a few things you can say:
"They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
"This is the 15 minute power nap they raved about in the
time management course you sent me to."
Your chair behind the desk is comfy, its quiet in the office, so you put your head down for awhile to rest your eyes. Just in case somebody walks in, like the boss, they have radar for these things. Here are a few things you can say:
"They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
"This is the 15 minute power nap they raved about in the
time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
"Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."
All I want for Christmas
Booze Cruz RC Drinking Game
Do you love drunk driving but hate spending the night in the slammer? Still itchy from the crabs you contracted on your last visit? Be safe and play the Booze Cruz RC Drinking Game instead!
Holy Crap, look at the rims on that car!
Booze Cruz RC comes with a remote controlled car with an indentation for placing a shot glass of your favorite liquor. Also included are cones to be used for building an obstacle course.
How shit-faced can you get and still navigate the course without spilling? Spice things up and buy two so you can play Britney and the Paps or Lindsay Lohan Coked Out Car Chase!
Not sold in California. Because you can drive a real car while hammered, get 2 DWI's, snort coke off the judge's bench and spend 83 minutes in jail.
Do you love drunk driving but hate spending the night in the slammer? Still itchy from the crabs you contracted on your last visit? Be safe and play the Booze Cruz RC Drinking Game instead!
Holy Crap, look at the rims on that car!
Booze Cruz RC comes with a remote controlled car with an indentation for placing a shot glass of your favorite liquor. Also included are cones to be used for building an obstacle course.
How shit-faced can you get and still navigate the course without spilling? Spice things up and buy two so you can play Britney and the Paps or Lindsay Lohan Coked Out Car Chase!
Not sold in California. Because you can drive a real car while hammered, get 2 DWI's, snort coke off the judge's bench and spend 83 minutes in jail.
Hot sauce chug
I don't know why this is a record.
A South Dakotan may be new world-record holder when it comes to swallowing Tabasco sauce. Levi Johnson of Tea drank 5.5 ounces of the hot sauce, or nearly 3 bottles, in 30 seconds at a sports bar in that community.
The Guinness Book of World Records lists the previous record at 5.07 ounces. Johnson's feat must be verified by Guinness publishers before it is considered official.
The only reason why I can think this is a big deal is because it is impossible to get the sauce out of those damn little bottles. Tabasco is probably the weakest of hot sauces. I have a bottle of "Ass Reaper." Oh yeah, it lives up to its name. Only a few drops for really good heat and flavor. Tabasco is mostly salty. Maybe that's why its hard. Your blood pressure instantly rises and you have a heart attack.
Makes me think of all the DA's trying this...
Black Wednesday
In case you haven't noticed, over the last decade, bars have been having their best night of the year in November. That would be the night before Thanksgiving. The night everybody comes home from college. Usually with assignments due on Monday that they have known all semester. ER is on right now. Kid from college is at party, meets a girl, she says she's a sophomore. Too bad he doesn't know its High School! In honor of those type nights, here's a list of official drinking rules.
1. The word "Drink" and any of its derivatives such as "Drank" or "Drinking" etc, may not be used.
2. Glasses should be held with the off-hand (left hand for a right-hander) with the pinkie raised off the glass.
3. Glasses should rest a safe distance from the table's edge, usually about 2 inches at least. I don't actually get this one. If its close to the edge, you're probably going to lose it at some point, then you're just a dumbass.
4. No pointing at anyone - this is just plain rude.
5. Empty glasses should be replaced immediately by a new beverage. Don't know if this actually needs to be a rule.
6. Vessels (like a boat?) which are non-conducive to downing i.e. bottles must be replaced with glasses.
7. erased for lameness- replaced with no swearing. Very hard to do as the night goes on.
8. Nobody shall refer to another by their first name, only by surnames, nicknames or by "oi, you" etc.
9. The toilet-master must be asked permission whenever a person needs to go to the john. He'll almost always grant it. Or person going is automatically beer bitch for everyone.
10. Anyone can at any point place their thumb on the drinking surface. Everybody else must follow suit, until there is one person who hasn't. Or thumb on forehead after belch.
Ha! I kill me!
1. The word "Drink" and any of its derivatives such as "Drank" or "Drinking" etc, may not be used.
2. Glasses should be held with the off-hand (left hand for a right-hander) with the pinkie raised off the glass.
3. Glasses should rest a safe distance from the table's edge, usually about 2 inches at least. I don't actually get this one. If its close to the edge, you're probably going to lose it at some point, then you're just a dumbass.
4. No pointing at anyone - this is just plain rude.
5. Empty glasses should be replaced immediately by a new beverage. Don't know if this actually needs to be a rule.
6. Vessels (like a boat?) which are non-conducive to downing i.e. bottles must be replaced with glasses.
7. erased for lameness- replaced with no swearing. Very hard to do as the night goes on.
8. Nobody shall refer to another by their first name, only by surnames, nicknames or by "oi, you" etc.
9. The toilet-master must be asked permission whenever a person needs to go to the john. He'll almost always grant it. Or person going is automatically beer bitch for everyone.
10. Anyone can at any point place their thumb on the drinking surface. Everybody else must follow suit, until there is one person who hasn't. Or thumb on forehead after belch.
Ha! I kill me!
Instead of individual emails
I saw my first Xmas commercial yesterday. Heineken of all things.
So here's possibly the first entry anywhere about Christmas.
This is the 12 days of Christmas (yes I said Christmas, not the Holiday season, fuckin' whiners, HO HO HO) according to Christopher Walken.
The First Day
The partridge, the pear tree. I trust both have arrived safely on this First Day of Christmas. The partridge, unfortunately, required mounting for shipping. Taxidermy. I had to strangle the poor bird with my own two hands. Sometimes small cruelties must be tolerated for the greater holiday good—in this case, pears.
The Second Day
May the two beautiful turtle doves, enclosed, enliven your Second Day of Christmas. I have recorded their mournful songs on a compact disc, also enclosed, so you will understand why I found it necessary to smother them. These birds—these birds could drive you fucking crazy.
The Third Day
The three French hens have been prepared and dressed for oven or broiler, as you will. But the holiday fun does not stop there, my friend. I have removed the heads myself. With an axe. And I have decorated them, festively, as Mary, Joseph, and the Baby Jesus. Please, enjoy.
The Fourth Day
Fourth Day. Four calling birds. Listen. Are they calling? No. But the silence is, in its own way, a kind of Christmas.
The Fifth Day
I have taken special care to select the five golden rings, enclosed, because I know you treasure the better things in life. Four are from the world's finest jewelers. The fifth was my grandfather's. It is of special sentimental value to me, because I had to exhume his corpse to retrieve it. An unfortunate bureaucratic slipup, by an unfortunate fucking bureaucrat.
The Sixth Day
On this Sixth Day of Christmas, six geese sit a-laying on your front lawn. Eggs. I have always admired these elegant, graceful white waterfowl. It saddens me that the hatchlings will not emerge before I send workmen to burn the nests.
The Seventh Day
On the Seventh Day, God rested. But the seven swans presently a-swimming in your pool do not rest. They will not climb out of the water, nor will they stop moving. Why? Because the lead weights I have tied to their legs, the amphetamines in their feed, assure you of a full day of Christmas entertainment.
The Eighth DayThe small American dairy farm has, tragically, disappeared forever. Therefore, most of the eight maids a-milking appear courtesy of the good people at La Leche League, to whom I have made a generous donation in your name. For the remainder, I have called in a personal favor from the publisher of Lactating Mamas magazine. Distasteful. But it is, after all, Christmas.
The Ninth Day
Nine. Ladies, Dancing. Nine sterling examples, one might think, of the female form in motion. But who is that tall, strikingly handsome woman in green? It is I, Christopher Walken. In Peter Pan drag.
The Tenth Day
On this, the Tenth Day of our Christmas adventure, the ten lords a-leaping represent every walk of American street life. The gambler, the bookmaker, the dealer and the junkie. The ambitious gangster, the implacable crime lord, and the common thug. The crooked cop, the arsonist, and the con man. Their nimble hops, always one step ahead of Johnny Law, are what the season is all about. Merry Christmas.
The Eleventh Day
Eleventh Day. Eleven pipers. Piping. Not a-piping, mind you. But piping hot. Like soul-searing New Orleans jazz. Like a boiling glass of absinthe. Like me. Happy Holidays.
The Twelfth Day
On this Twelfth Day, I am filled with ennui. Twelve drummers, merely drumming; too easy, perhaps. Which is why I have, at great personal risk, imported drums made from human skin. They produce a sound like no other; the sound of a tiny bamboo cage in a fetid jungle prison, where hope dies anew with each cruel dawn. It's the sound of pain, frustration and disappointment. The sound of Christmas.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
